Several years after the death of my seventeen-year-old son I reached a crossroads. I knew I couldn’t fulfill God’s purpose for me and continue spiraling down that dark tunnel.
I knew Jesus. I knew Joseph was home. I knew this earthly home is temporary. But what I had not done was to surrender my grief completely to God. I needed to dump my pain in His lap and trust that He would do with it what was best. That required me going before Him and admitting His ways were best, and mine were not. I had to trust God in the dark.
Taking steps out of the dark tunnel of grief took determination and deliberation. I heard it said that grief makes you better or bitter. I had to decide which path I would take. The choice is seldom an easy one.
For several decades, I said I believed in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I had put my confidence in Him. The hot crucible of grief was my place to back up what I said I believed and admit to myself who my God really is. Was He the God I claimed to know, or a false god who can be manipulated into resolving the external circumstances of my life?
Feeling alone and desperate in the dark, I cried out to Abba, begging Him to give me the strength and the will to lay it all at His feet, including, and especially my grief.
I am discovering that trusting God in the dark is a daily surrender, not a once-in-a-lifetime decision. Surrendering does not mean we will miss our loved ones less or that the pain will disappear. On the contrary. Trusting God in the dark is surrendering, in the midst of the pain, what we believe we deserve to the God who numbers the hairs on our head and collects our tears in a bottle. As they say in GriefShare: We can always trust the One who died for us.
And as my days of surrendering slowly tip the scales, I am growing closer to the Father and am gaining a better understanding of Christ’s love. I am thankful.
Trust Him with me, won’t you?