I knew I couldn’t return to life as I knew it before my son’s car crashed, so I didn’t ask God to wake me from the nightmare. I did worse! I attempted a game of Truth or Dare with God.
I never went through the if onlys – if only he drove a different car, if only he had stayed home that morning, if only I were a better person, etc. My faith taught me that there is a time to be born and a time to die. I firmly believe that February 23, 2002, was the day God chose to take Joseph home even before he was born. I accept that – but I hate it.
Instead, I attempted a game of Truth or Dare with God. I begged Him to show this world how big and powerful He is. As I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I challenged Him. Pull out another miracle. Send him back. You can do that. You are God.
In my mind, I justified how utterly fantastic it would be for others to see what a mighty and awesome God we serve. They could witness a modern-day miracle! I justified the best way for that was for God to send Joseph back. It would be a win/win situation! Dozens would come to know Jesus – and I’d have Joseph back at home, preferably in time for dinner.
I missed my son so badly that it didn’t occur to me how selfish I was to want Joseph to leave the Father’s presence and come home to me, nor did it dawn on me that God didn’t need me to tell Him how to reveal Himself or what to do. I just knew I was profoundly sad, and if I had Joseph with me, alive and well, the world would make sense again.
A personal note …
Friend,
Are you playing truth or dare with God? I understand. Please know that I pray for you often and walk this unwanted journey with you.
Shelley