God can handle our grief. He will not reject us. He will accept and even use our anger. My husband was angry at God for a while after Joseph died. He was angry that God took Joseph and robbed us of the hopes and dreams we had for him.
God did not rebuke Phil for being angry. With effort and over time, Phil worked through it.
I don’t remember saying I was angry at God when Joseph died, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t. I believed my friend Ginny when she told me the day Joseph was born that my child didn’t belong to me; he belonged to God. When God took him back, I hated it, but I knew Joseph was His. I was, however, confused about how others went on living life when my world came crumbling down. It got ugly.
One evening, I picked up the newspaper. I was looking at the obituaries, as that was all the news I cared about then. There was an entire page of General District Court information.
Who cares how much one was fined for going 41/25? Why does anyone need to know who was publicly intoxicated? That’s not newsworthy or important. My world came to an abrupt halt! My child is dead! Why are people spending time and energy on nonsense?
The realization that others had gone on with living life was as upsetting as the nonsense of this world. I whipped the paper across the room and canceled my subscription shortly after. Looking back, I don’t know why I did either unless it was my way of purging anger.
What angered me the most was people reminding me that “at least you have the other two” – as if I pulled them out like spare tires. Curt and Wyatt are not the substitutes. I love each of my three sons individually. They are not interchangeable. In grief, I was, first and foremost, a mama, however poorly I was doing the job.
I closed myself off from nearly everyone for a very long time. Other than my husband and sons, I felt disconnected from people.
I believe that our relationships with others reflect our relationship with God. If that is true, my relationship with Him was in sad shape.
A personal note …
Friend,
Deep sorrow often strips us of pretense and nonsense. That can be a good thing. On the contrary, it can also make us angry.
Are you angry? Do you want to scream? Go ahead. God can handle it. Go outside and holler at the top of your lungs. Are groans your only language? God understands those too. Cry as long and as hard as you want. Throw something if it will make you feel better. If I lived next door, I’d walk over and hold you up amid your grief.
Shelley