The holidays are here, and I’m praying earnestly for you!
I understand that this time of year hurts. Sadly, far too many of us get it. And each of us understands how stressful the holidays are without your child. We remember not knowing what to do with the empty chair at the holiday table. And we remember wishing we could dive into that grave and stay there until November and December were over. Or … stay there.
But you can do this! And many of us are praying for you throughout this unwanted journey.
Filling the Gap Between Us
Before the death of my seventeen-year-old son, my family of five was very traditional in the ways we celebrated. After Joseph’s death, we were clueless about how to fill the gap among us. Learning to do that was a process. For us, it was a messy process. Those first couple of years, we weren’t trying to celebrate. We were trying to survive.
We quickly discovered that we needed something familiar because life had become so unfamiliar. Since traditions were part of the fabric of our family, we chose to hang on to many of them.
You might need to do that, too, or you might find that you must do something entirely different. There is no right or wrong solution. Your world was turned on its head. Do what you must.
Check-In with Each Family Member
Seventeen years later, and on this side of grief, I recommend you check in with each family member and ask how each would like to celebrate your holidays without your loved one. Please compromise and be patient with one another. Each family member’s wishes should be considered and respected. Allow each other an extra measure of grace as you deal with the absence and your grief differently.
Our first holidays were horrific. Each of us around the table felt like we had a limb missing. Joseph’s absence was conspicuous, and his participation in our celebrations was painfully nonexistent. We knew the date each holiday would arrive but were utterly clueless about how to get through November and December without him. As each holiday rolled around, it felt like the same limb had been yanked off repeatedly. Healing took time and intention.
We chose to give thanks and worship as we had always done. Our first efforts were weak at best. We cried a lot. With practice, over the years, the act of thanksgiving began healing us.
There is Healing in Thanksgiving
As we gather around the Thanksgiving table, it is our practice to share what we’re thankful for. That first year, each of us mentioned something about Joseph. When my husband prayed before our meal, he again thanked God for our seventeen years with our beautiful boy. He asked God to tell Joseph how much we miss and love him. That became a new tradition.
Slowly, we realized that there were other things to be thankful for: color returning to our world, family, friends who loved us well, jobs, and eternal hope. We were growing to understand that even amid grief, there is always something to be thankful for.
Christmas had been our favorite time of year. It still is, but on a much different and more profound level. When our three were little, Phil would read the Christmas story from the Bible every Christmas Eve. At Joseph’s insistence, our three boys would then pile into one bed like a litter of puppies to watch and fall asleep to It’s a Wonderful Life. After his death, Curt and Wyatt found enormous comfort in carrying on their brother’s tradition.
Our family chose to continue most of our Christmas traditions, however difficult those first years. You might need a complete change – and that is okay!
Celebrate with Hope
Indeed, we celebrate the holidays, but we do so with less fanfare and more hope than ever. We look forward to them again! Do we have sad moments? Every year! But we savor new memories made, we honor Joseph in ways that comfort each of us, and we try to cling to the hope we each have in Christ.
‘Praying for you as we inch closer to Thanksgiving and through the end of the year,
Shelley