Grieving parents sometimes ask me, “What should we do with his belongings?” That’s a hard one, isn’t it?!? I wish there were a one-size-fits-all answer. There isn’t. But I can give you a little insight into how we dealt with our son’s belongings—what we did right and wrong.
Upon arriving home from the hospital, where my boys and I learned of Joseph’s death, twelve-year-old Wyatt went straight to his brother’s room, grabbed Joseph’s Bible, a framed baseball card, and a few other trinkets that were uniquely Joseph’s. He then took them to his own room and found them a new home on his bookshelf. It was necessary for my youngest son to hold onto those particular items. He needed that part of his brother close to him.
We left our son’s other belongings exactly as they were for a while. We each have unique personalities, and our needs vary. It was crucial the needs of each of the four of us were considered and compromises made before deciding what to do with Joseph’s clothes, books, and other things purchased by, or just for, him.
But soon after my husband went back to work and my sons back to school and sports, I was home alone quite often, and it began to upset me to see Joseph’s belongings sitting there as though they were waiting for his return. There were some things I just wanted out of sight so I could get through the next hour without coming unglued.
HIS TOOTHBRUSH
Our boy was only seventeen and still living at home. He still had a toothbrush at our bathroom sink. And something as insignificant as that blue toothbrush held the power to render me helpless. I tossed it out on my first day home alone. I didn’t ask anyone how they felt about it. I should have, but I didn’t. Truth be told, I broke it in half and stomped on it. That didn’t bring anywhere near the healing I hoped it would.
HIS CLOTHES
Joseph was even more of a minimalist than I am. He wanted only three pairs of jeans, five sweatshirts, five T-shirts, and a few sports jerseys. His one extravagance: new sneakers every six months. He detested wearing dirty or worn-out sneakers. When the new ones arrived via UPS, the old ones went into the garage for outside work. And the old ones in the garage went into the trash.
I removed his favorite black sweatshirt from the dirty laundry and kept it in my bed for as long as I could smell him in it. A dear friend cut Joseph’s jeans shorter so Curt could wear them.
Fourteen years later, the only clothes we still have are his three favorite jerseys and a cap. It’s important to Phil and Wyatt that we keep those. They’re packed in a box and stored in our basement, where we can get to them as quickly as we need.
HIS BASEBALL CARD COLLECTION
Curt and Wyatt divided their brother’s baseball collection and gave a couple of valuable cards to Joseph’s best friend, Jon. They were sports fanatics and baseball card-collecting buddies.
HIS BOOKS AND MUSIC
Books were always stacked high on Joseph’s shelves. We still can’t think of Joseph without thinking of books. I read many of his books and listened to most of his music. I needed to be inside his brain and experience him every way I could. I needed to know what made him the extraordinary person he was. So that summer after he died, I went home from work at 1:00, crawled into his bed, listened to his music, read his books, and cried the evening away.
I know that sounds depressing, and even as I write this, I am bawling, but I found a bit of healing in those hours—in that music and those books.
A personal note …
Grieving Friend,
What should you do with your child’s belongings? That which will bring the most healing to your newly defined family. Give them away, throw them away, pack them away, keep them right where they are, make a quilt of them … whatever you need to do.
And know this, friend: I’m praying for you as you make that difficult decision.
Shelley