Are you trying to manuever family life with one man down?
I understand. It took us a ton of work at a time when we barely had an ounce of strength after our seventeen-year-old died.
For us, there is one man painfully absent from every family dinner, birthday party, and holiday celebration: one man whose voice we long to hear and whose face we yearn to touch.
And so, how do we do family with one man down? How do we fill in the gap where a brother should be a groomsman or the best man? And how do we compose ourselves enough to request a table for four while our hearts are screaming that we’ll always be a family of five?
How did we keep a marriage from collapsing when marriage was hard enough before burying a child?
How did we keep teenage brothers intact as they staggered down the volatile roads of adolescence and grief at the same time?
And how did we keep from doing what would have been easiest and felt best: retreating under the covers, popping a pill, jumping in a bottle, or pulling the trigger?
There is no easy answer. Nothing about death and grief is easy. I think these suggestions will buoy your family while you ride out the crashing pains of grief. These are some of what my family did and some of what we wish we’d done.
Pray
- No matter how you’re feeling, pray for each family member daily. Pray that each will draw closer to Christ and not push Him away.
- Pray that each person will become more dependent on Jesus and less dependent on busyness, addictions, and grief postponement.
- Pray that you will not become bitter or push each other away.And when you just cannot pray (and those times will exist!), rely heavily on the body of Christ to do so for you. God will use them to stand in the gap for you. (You can also contact me here. I am happy to pray for you.)
Give Each Other an Extra Measure of Grace
A wise friend encouraged us to allow each other an extra measure of grace. We have unique personalities, individual needs, and different ways of handling grief. Likewise, our relationships with Joseph were distinct. We each lost someone different.
- Give each family member space to grieve in his way, at his own pace, on his timetable.
- Keep the lines of communication open. Keep talking as a couple. Keep the kids talking. Ask each family member how he is doing, how he wants to remember his brother, how he would now like to celebrate Christmas.
- Consider each person’s needs in dealing with arrangements, personal belongings, celebrations, and traditions. This. Takes. Compromise.
- Hug. A lot.
- Seek a professional counselor or attend a grief support group as needed. (I highly recommend GriefShare.)
Run Toward Your Faith
- Know that God didn’t do this to you. Rather, He suffers with you.
- Cry out to Jesus. He does hear, “Help!” And I think He understands that some days, that’s all we’re capable of.
- Journal your grief with brutal honesty. What a marvelous testimony of God’s working when we can look back and see how far He has brought us.
Please know that I’m praying fiercely and fervently that your newly defined family will exit the worst of this storm-tossed sea of grief whole and healthy. I know it’s hard. Press on. You. Can. Do. This.
A prayer for us …
Lord,
Help! We don’t understand. We can’t breathe. We’re living in a state of dizziness. Our family puzzle is missing a piece. We don’t know how to survive family life with his absence. Heal us individually. Heal our marriage. And heal our family. Show us what you want us to do, one breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Amen.