In his marvelous book, Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering, Tim Keller writes, “Look at Jesus. He was perfect, right? And yet he goes around crying all the time. He is always weeping, a man of sorrows. Do you know why? Because he is perfect. Because when you are not all absorbed in yourself, you can feel the sadness of the world. And therefore, what you actually have is that the joy of the Lord happens inside the sorrow. It doesn’t come after the sorrow. It doesn’t come after the uncontrollable weeping. The weeping drives you into the joy, it enhances the joy, and then the joy enables you to actually feel your grief without it sinking you. In other words, you are finally emotionally healthy.”
And so how do we do that on a practical level? How do we reach into the lives of hurting people and minister to them right where they are? How do we help our loved ones become emotionally healthy? How do we weep with those who weep?
I suggest these four ways to love grieving people:
1. Honor the Pain
Inconvenience yourself! Acknowledge the pain by making an effort. It will be a sacrifice. Do it anyway.
– Attend the funeral
– Make the phone call
– Write the note
– Send the flowers
– Drive the distance
– Give the hug
– Cook the meal
2. don’t make it about you
When comforting a grieving friend who just buried a child or spouse, please remember that this is about your friend, not you.
– Don’t compare your loss to hers
– Don’t expect a thank-you note
– Don’t brag about your kind deeds
– Don’t think you know what is best for your friend
3. Make Yourself Available
Don’t shrink back from people who are grieving. The worst thing you can do is nothing. Grieving people need your presence.
I recently asked a group of grieving parents, How did others love you practically after the death of your child or spouse?
One mom told me a childhood friend brought her cinnamon rolls from the local bakery every single Wednesday morning for 2 years. While visiting over the rolls, she listened to Marcia talk about her deceased son Matt and helped her create memory books of him.
Another told me that only a month after her son Seth died her closest friends showed up and put up her Christmas tree since she had ZERO energy to do it and 5 younger children who still needed Christmas. They brought all new ornaments and decorated her entire house.
After Joseph died, A friend from church knew we found comfort sitting by the fire each evening. There was no phone call. No asking if we needed wood. He just showed up one evening with a load of firewood. He unloaded it, stacked it, and then drove off.
In Where Is God When It Hurts? Philip Yancey said that one man told him the most helpful person during his long illness was an office colleague who called every day, just to check in. His visits, usually twice a week, never exceeded fifteen minutes, but the consistency of his calls and visits became a fixed point, something he could count on when everything else in his life seemed unstable.
4. Avoid Platitudes
In the Book of Job, when Job’s friends saw his suffering at first, they tore their clothes, sat down in anguish and, for seven days and seven nights didn’t utter a word. That’s what helped him. It’s when they opened their mouths that the problems started!
In Turn My Mourning Into Dancing, Henri Nouwen wrote, “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing … not healing … not curing … that is a friend who cares.”
This grieving mom agrees!
(More about that in my post, What Not to Say to Grieving People.)
5. Pray
– Pray for grief to be expedited
– Pray for sound sleep at night
– Pray for marriages to be strengthened
– Pray for families to stay united
– Pray for each person to become more like Jesus
– Pray and ask God how you can anonymously meet the needs of others
Again, quoting Philip Yancey, “Life is filled with the extremes of joy and sorrow. And we have been given the privilege of entering into those moments in people’s lives to see the grace of God at work. ”
And to that I say, let’s not miss it!
A personal note …
If you’re reading this and were one of the friends who loved my family well, God bless you! Sharing the intimate details of Joseph’s death and my grief is challenging because I am extraordinarily private. But, walking with those traveling this unwanted journey is my calling and my way of paying your love forward.
God revealed Himself to me through your comfort and service. For that, I offer the two most profound words I know: thank you.
Shelley
