After our seventeen-year-old son died, people tried to comfort us with words. Well-meaning as they were, there are no words that bring comfort to a parent who is about to bury her child.
Most grieving people want their friends and family to show up and be quiet. We find solace in those who cry with us, hug us, and offer a brief prayer, but words are unnecessary.
Before my son died, I also reached for words—any words—that might comfort my grieving friends just a little or at least offer a glimmer of hope. I don’t do that anymore. I know firsthand that words often hurt grieving people, not help. I also know that grieving people remember that you showed up far longer than the well-intended but often hollow words offered.
When visiting with a grieving person, I try to make it a point never to say the following: (included are my explanations for each.)
At Least …
Please, please, please don’t begin phrases with “at least.” It minimizes our loss and comes across as cruel, not comforting.
At least you had him for seventeen years – We did not have him long enough. We had not finished parenting him. He still had a chair at our table, school books on his desk, and a toothbrush at our sink. My boys wanted their older brother to guide them, serve as best men at their weddings, and spoil their children. Seventeen years was not long enough for any of us.
At least you know he’s in heaven – Yes, I did, but I wanted him with me. And I also needed time to reconcile his car crash and deadness.
At least you have the other two – My boys are not interchangeable. I will always be the mama of three sons. Curt’s and Wyatt’s presence does not make up for the absence of Joseph. We miss Joseph, our son and brother, who had a name, a God-given personality, strengths & weaknesses, and a specific role in our family.
At least you can re-marry, At least you can have more children, At least…
Time Heals
Healing takes time, but time does not heal our grief. God heals in His time.
A mom never ceases mourning the death of her child. Grief, like addiction, is always a part of us. We work through the process and eventually refuse to let our grief define us, but we’ll always be in grief recovery.
The Lord Won’t Give You More Than You Can Handle
Intellectually, I knew that was true, but I wanted to die. I did not think I knew how to handle anything. Nothing! The death of my son challenged my faith.
Everything Happens for a Reason
That is true, but it brings no consolation when you’ve just viewed the cold, colorless, lifeless body of your precious child in the morgue.
He Would Want You to – or – Not Want You To
I’m a realist. I didn’t live my life to please Joseph before he died, nor was I going to do so after he died. More importantly, we’re to do what God wants us to do, not our dead children.
Be Strong
Parents in mourning are real people, and we must acknowledge the magnitude of our loss. We are not rocks or robots. Ignoring our grief is not a sign of strength. Grieving is imperative.
I Know How You Feel
No, you don’t. No one will fully understand my unique loss. Burying a favorite great aunt or dog, while heartbreaking, does not qualify you to know my personal agony.
As difficult as it is, we know to expect to one day bury our grandparents, parents, and even an aging spouse. But we never expect a child to precede us in death.
Furthermore, each person’s grief is as unique as his fingerprints. No two people grieve alike.
Let Me Know If I Can Do Anything for You
Creating things for people to do was exhausting. I greatly appreciated the many who noticed a need and met it. Please understand that grieving parents do not have the wherewithal to know or communicate what we need. Our mind is in a grief fog.
God Needed an Angel
Oh, my goodness. The dead do not become butterflies, cardinals, or angels. God has a much grander plan than that. Even so, at that time, my heart was telling me that I needed him more.
For ideas of what to do or say, read my post, How to Love Grieving People.
A personal note …
Friend,
If you recently buried a loved one, please do not dwell on the stupid things people say. However clueless some are, nearly everyone is trying to comfort, not upset, you. You have too much to process now. Adding bitterness or anger to the mix will only exacerbate your grief. Try to realize that intentions are good and people want to love you as best they know how. Be grateful, too, that your loved ones aren’t familiar with child loss.
Shelley